Sonny's Secrets
by Sadistic Writer of FanFiction
Summary: "You can't have a detective who's harming himself." Sonny is acting strange. Strange even for Carisi. He's got mysterious cuts with excuses that don't quite line up. When Barba temporarily moves in with him, he discovers a secret that Sonny has been keeping.
1. Chapter 1

"Hey Carisi, what happened to your arm?" Amanda asked, eyeing a cut on Sonny's upper arm, just below the rolled up cuff of his dress shirt.

"Ah, well, you see," he stumbled over his words, "it's kinda embarrassing. I was walking up the stairs to my apartment, yenno, since the elevator's on the fritz, _again_, and I tripped up the stairs. Yeah, I'm _that_ uncoordinated. Anyways, with my luck, I happen to fall where the railings broken. Caught my arm on the wood, and well, this happened." He gestures to the mark on his arm, a wry smile gracing his lips.

Amanda gives him a small smile and laugh in response to his explanation, and walked off to her desk, as Sonny turns back to his laptop, smile fading into a blank stare. The squad worked in companionable silence, exchanging a few words every once in a while, before lapsing back into the quiet. There were no ongoing cases for the SVU that day, so they mainly worked on finishing up old files, or scouring the web for internet crimes. By the end of the day, everyone was ready to go home, take a break and rest from all the paperwork. Granted, the work wasn't difficult in of itself, rather the much needed long attention span required to complete it wore them out.

It was nearing the end of the work day when Barba stopped by to pay a visit to Benson, and she ushered him into her office before shutting the door, giving her and the councillor a bit of privacy.

"So I'm having the greatest day ever." Barba sarcastically quipped, arms crossed over his chest.

"What's wrong?"

"My house is in desperate need of repairs, so I've gotta find other living arrangements for up to a month." He huffs.

Olivia stands there contemplating. After a few seconds, she decides to solve both Barba's problem, as well as Carisi's ongoing housing issue.

"Look, between you and me, Carisi is struggling to pay the bills. His roommate just walked out on him a couple months ago, and he's on the verge of being evicted. He can't afford to live there when he's sending money to his family to help them out. So, why don't you ask him if you can room with him? He'll have help with the costs of living there and you'll have a roof over your head. It's a win-win situation."

"But it's _Carisi_."

"C'mon Barba, he's not that bad. Who knows, maybe you two will begin to get along. Just don't… aggravate him."

"I do _not_ aggravate him!"

She cocks an eyebrow at him, and he deflates a little under the piercing look.

"Fine."

He heads to the door before Olivia calls out to him one last time.

"Hey, Councillor?"

"Yeah?"

"Do me a favour and… keep an eye on him, will you? He seems… sad… lately. I'm worried about him. You don't have to say anything to him. Just… just look out for him, yenno?" She requests, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.

He nods in response, before throwing open the office door and striding into the bullpen. He found the lanky detective easily enough, Sonny was cleaning up his disorderly desk, preparing to leave for the day. Barba heaves a sigh, before approaching Sonny.

"I need a favour." He bluntly states.

Carisi stares at him, a slightly wide-eyed expression on his face, that was quickly replaced by a furrowed brow.

"What is it?"

"I need a place to crash, and I heard you got space."

"Uh, yeah sure. Sure you can stay with me." Carisi stammers.

"Great. I have some stuff I need to finish up back at the office. Text me your address." Barba strides away and presses the "down" button for the elevator, getting in with Amanda and Finn.

Carisi blinks, reeling from the unexpected conversation he'd had with _Barba _of all people. Meanwhile, in the elevator, Amanda smirks at Barba, having overheard their entire conversation she pokes fun at the councillor.

"So.." she says, drawing the word out, grinning impishly, "rooming with Carisi, huh?"

Barba scowls, "Yes. What of it?"

"I just can't see this going well," she laughs, "besides, he told me today that he tripped and cut his arm on a broken banister. It's hardly quality living space."

"Huh." He considers this, "well, too late now."

Finn snorts, trying to keep his cool during the other's conversation.

"Good luck man." Finn says, clasping the other man's shoulder and stepping out of the elevator.

"Yeah! Good luck." Amanda parrots, scurrying away.

Barba pauses, drawing in a deep breath. _What have I gotten myself into?_ He subtly shakes his head, before heading on his way.


	2. Chapter 2

Sonny rushed up the three flights of stairs to the floor his apartment was on. He hurried into his home, and immediately began to tidy up. His old roommate didn't bother to clean out his room, so Sonny started there, vacuuming the floor and putting fresh sheets on the bed. He did a quick clean-up of the apartment's only bathroom, and made sure to put another set of towels in there for Barba. The rest of the apartment was reasonably clean, so he shot a text to Rafael with his address. When he received a reply letting him know that Barba was on his way, he slowly descended the stairs to meet him on the first floor.

"Hey Councillor." Carisi greeted.

"Carisi." Barba acknowledged the detective, curtly.

"The uh, the elevator is broken again." Sonny explained as he led the ADA towards the stairwell.

The two walked up the stairs in an awkward silence. Barba discreetly searched for the alleged 'broken handrail' Amanda had mentioned, and schooled his confused expression upon reaching Sonny's floor and not seeing any evidence of there ever have been a broken railing. _Why would he lie?_ Concern slowly crept up in the recesses of Barba's brain, before he brushed it off.

Carisi showed Rafael to the spare bedroom, and pointed out where the washroom was. Barba set his briefcase and satchel that he'd been holding, down in the bedroom. The two men sat in the living room, Sonny on the couch and Barba in an oversized armchair. They both were immersed with their work, and each had their eyes glued to their laptop screens.

"Hey uh, I'm gonna go to bed. I'll uh, see you in the morning." Carisi bid goodnight to Barba, breaking the stifling silence of the room.

"Night." Rafael replied, offhandedly, still focused on his work.

Half an hour later, Barba decided to call it a night, and walked to the bathroom to clean up for the night. He had to do a double take when he noticed something shiny on the counter, next to the sink. Upon closer inspection, he realized it was the blade out of a pencil sharpener. It had dry blood on the sharp edge. The concern he'd felt in the stairwell came back, creeping out of the corners of his mind. _It could be nothing. _He whipped out his phone, and snapped a picture of the offending item, in case it wasn't, in fact, nothing. He decided that he was not going to bring it up with Carisi. Not yet, at least.

The next morning was reasonably awkward between the two acquaintances, neither really knowing _how_ to interact with the other. They danced around one another, not staying in the same room for too long, as the ongoing, tense silence was oppressing and difficult to deal with.

It didn't escape Barba's notice when he went into the bathroom to shower after Sonny had, and the incriminating piece of metal had vanished. By the time he was ready to go, Carisi was already gone, having explained earlier that morning that he liked to bring the squad pastries to help brighten up their days, so he'd be leaving early.

On his drive to work, after picking up some cannoli from an Italian bakery, Carisi couldn't help but wonder if Barba had noticed the bloody blade he'd somehow overlooked during his cleanup of the bathroom. _How could I be so stupid? Have I really been doing this so often that it's mere presence doesn't even grasp my attention? _To be fair, he hadn't really cleaned the counter, he mainly focused on the toilet and shower in his rush to get the apartment ready for his guest.

Walking into the precinct, he forced a slight smile as he wafted the scent of fresh pastries towards Amanda and Nick, knowing they'd both take one, if not eating it now, then for a snack later on in the day. They both smile and thank him, and he offers Fin and Liv one as well. Soon, they were all continuing their work from the previous day.

"Guys," Olivia's grave voice roused their attention, "we got a call from the hospital. Rape victim, said he was attacked by his boyfriend."

"A male rape vic?" Fin inquired.

"Yeah." Benson sighs.

"You don't see that too often." Nick added.

"Alright, Carisi, Rollins, with me. We'll be talking to the victim. Amaro, Fin, you both track down the boyfriend. His name is Brian Keensly." Benson instructs, receiving nods from all her team members.

After interviewing the beaten and bruised victim, Andrew Donalds, Olivia headed down to the DA, and was ushered to Barba's office by his assistant, Carmen.

"So it's a he-said-he—the other he—said kind of case. Lieutenant, I don't know a single ADA who would take this thing to court."

Benson stared at him, crestfallen.

"Good thing I'm not most ADA's." He concluded, with a fierce smirk on his face.

"Thank you, councillor."

"Don't be thanking me yet. You need to bring me hard evidence. This case is going to be tough enough, since it's a homosexual rape accusation. Jury's can be unpredictable when there's a same sex rape."

Benson nods, a thoughtful expression on her face. She turns to leave, before deciding to see how the whole 'living with Carisi' thing was going.

"It's awkward. Painfully awkward. But at least he's not bombarding me with a million law questions. I don't know if I should be relieved or concerned." He joked.

"I'm sure you'll get over the awkwardness of it all soon. He's probably just nervous and self-conscious with you in his home. He looks up to you, you know."

"Although, there was something strange that happened."

Benson looked at him, quirking an eyebrow to tell him to continue.

"Detective Rollins told me he fell and cut himself on a broken handrail. There was no broken handrail. Or evidence of there ever have been." He decided to keep the detail about the bloodied blade out, not yet wanting to alarm Benson.

"That is odd," Olivia agreed, "I hate to say it but… I think there's a chance he might be self-harming. Could you look for any signs that he is? I just—"

"I know." Barba sighs, "You can't have a detective that's harming himself."


	3. Chapter 3

The following days passed by without incident. Carisi, however, was acting strange… stranger than usual. Despite the overbearing heat of the summer, he refused to roll up the sleeves of his dress shirt past the crook of his elbows.

Late one night, as Barba and Sonny sat in the living room together, their fragile living arrangements were shaken by a white envelope hitting the coffee table.

"What is that?" Inquired Sonny.

"Rent."

"No. I can't possibly—"

"Carisi."

"Yeah?"

"Shut your face hole and accept the money. You know you'll never win this argument." Barba sat back, arms crossed over his chest, his mouth forming a hard line.

Sonny gaped at him, before nodding curtly and picking up the envelope.

"Thank you." He said, earnestly.

Barba dismissed him with a wave of his hand. The two continued on with their work. Everything seemed to be going well. They didn't argue outside of work, and even managed to have a civil conversation once in a while. Barba had come to the realization that, he didn't know much about Carisi's professional background, other than the fact that he'd been a transfer from homicide. He decided that now was as good a time as any to ask about it, so he did.

"I moved around a lot," Sonny explained, "from precinct to precinct, all different divisions."

"Why?" Probed Rafael.

"Nobody liked me. I'm too brash, too unsympathetic, too… me. People got tired of my rambling, and they thought that I wasn't a good detective. It didn't help that I was constantly staring at the deadly aftermath of the sickos of New York."

"You seem to be fitting into SVU well these past couple months."

"Yeah. Feels like I kinda have somewhere I belong." Sonny replied, a fond smile gracing his lips.

Sonny got up and headed towards the washroom, deciding it was time for him to get ready for bed.

"You're a good detective."

A giddy smile crept up Sonny's face, at the rare compliment from Barba. Knowing he'd only make things awkward if he said something, Carisi shot the ADA a meaningful glance, before continuing on his way.

_He's lying. You're useless. Why do you always open your big mouth? Now he pities you._ The intrusive thoughts bombarded him, once he was in the confines of the washroom. Sonny hung his head, before opening the medicine cabinet and retrieving the blade from a pencil sharpener, which had been stored on the top shelf, out of sight. He stared at the object, before bringing it up to his left arm, right beneath the crease of his elbow, edging dangerously close to his forearm. Sighing, he quickly slashes the blade across his flesh, creating many shallow cuts, which quickly bubbled blood. He blankly looked at the orbs of crimson. He knew not to cut too deep, preferring the sharp sting of quick, shallow cuts to the intense ache of deeper wounds.

It was something people like him—self-harmers, _cutters_—have to figure out for themselves. Did they like the deep, gaping wounds, or did they prefer ones that were closer to scratches, but would scar all the same? Did they get off on the pain, or the sight of blood? Where did they want to feel it? It's all very personal. Carisi knew he'd have to do it somewhere easy to cover up. So he tore up his upper arms and thighs, since his professional attire would always cover those parts of his body. He'd have to stop cutting his arms, since he was going into territory that could be easily spotted by others. He'd already had a couple of close calls that he managed to play off as freak accidents.

The next day at work, Liv rounded everyone up and lead them to her office. The squad look at each other uneasily. The air itself felt tight and suffocating. Benson's expression was grave, and they knew that the news she was about to deliver would be anything but pleasant.

"Andrew Donalds, the victim from the same-sex rape case we're gathering evidance for, just committed suicide."

They stood there, shocked and saddened by the news. Sonny stiffened, and swallowed thickly. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and back again.

"What… what happened? What did he do?" Amanda utters, still reeling from the news.

"He slit his wrists, and bled out before the ambulance arrived on the scene. There was nothing anybody could have done. I guess he couldn't handle the aftermath of the rape." Benson explained.

She cast a glance towards Carisi, before quickly looking away and studying the rest of her team. Everyone was somber, but Carisi in particular looked like he was taking the news hard.

"Have you told Barba yet?" Fin asked.

"No. I'm about to head down to his office now."

"Are we still going to try and prosecute this case?" Sonny questioned, voice uncharacteristically grave.

"I don't know. It was a hard enough case when we had the victim, now that he's passed, I'm not sure if we can. I'll bring it up with Barba though." Olivia replied, before stepping out.

The rest of the squad walked out of the office, and sat at their own desks. None of them really knew what to do.

After Benson explained the situation to the councillor, he slumped into his chair, groaning in frustration.

"Let me think about this," Barba sighs, "this makes everything so much more difficult. We _could_ use his suicide as part of the prosecutuion. I don't… I don't know. I'll sleep on it."

"Okay. Okay, thank you." Benson tells him. "One more thing… I know it's not any of our business, but I really am concerned about Carisi. I think he's taking this pretty hard."

"I'll keep an eye on him."

That night, Barba discreetly watched Sonny as he watched TV. Carisi's face was blank, eyes seemingly devoid of all emotion. He abruptly got up and went to the washroom, and a few minutes later, Barba heard a muffled curse come from the washroom. Frowning slightly, he got up and went to the bathroom, knocking on the door. Unbeknownst to either man, the door hadn't shut all the way, and upon the pressure from the knocks, it slowly swung open.

Sonny stood at the sink, blade in his hand, and blood running down the other arm. The aforementioned man looked up at Barba, slapping a hand over his steadily bleeding arm, eyes wide and full of terror.

Barba stood there, frozen in shock. Sure, he'd suspected it, but once seeing the self-harm in person, was unsure of what to do or say.

"Carisi… what did you do?"


	4. Chapter 4

"You can't tell anyone."

"I can't do that Carisi."

"Why not?"

"Why—why not? Look at you! You're deliberately hurting yourself." Barba snapped.

"Please don't do this to me." Carisi begged.

"I'm not doing anything to you. Everything that's happening you did to yourself. I know that it's rude, but it's true."

Carisi looked away. His cheeks flushed with emotion.

"Where's your first aid kit?"

Sonny pointed to the cupboard beneath the sink, and Barba gets it out, coaxing Sonny to sit on the closed lid of the toilet. He then firmly grabs Carisi's wrist, pulling his hand away from the injury. The cut itself wasn't quite as bad as Rafael thought it would be, but was still fairly deep and steadily oozing blood. Rafael put on disposable gloves that were in the kit, and grabbed an antiseptic wipe, efficiently cleansing the wound. He then used a cotton swab and slathered the cut with a thin layer of ointment. Finally, he pinched the skin together, placing a butterfly bandage over the middle of the wound, and wrapped the area in a thin layer of gauze. The entire time, Sonny sat there, unmoving, and stared at the ground, tears beginning to well up in his eyes. He hadn't even flinched when the wound was cleaned, which is typically an uncomfortable and sometimes painful ordeal.

"I'm sorry."

"Let's go sit in the living room, okay?" Barba said, in an uncharacteristically soft and soothing tone of voice.

Sonny nodded and followed Barba, despite it being his own home. Barba lead Carisi to the couch, and sat beside him for once.

"What started this?"

Silence.

"Carisi, you gotta talk to someone. It doesn't have to be me. Either way, I have to tell Olivia what's going on."

"You have no right. I'll talk when I'm ready to talk." Sonny spat, pulling down the sleeve of his dress shirt and crossing his arms over his chest.

"I think we both know you'll never be ready."

Carisi huffed in reply, and stared pointedly down at the ground. The two of them sat in uncomfortable silence, before Sonny finally caved.

"I've been doing this to myself on and off since I was a teen, it didn't start because I'm going soft or because I can't seem to handle the job anymore."

"I don't think you can't handle the job." Assured Barba.

"But my most recent relapse was after I went undercover in the homeless shelter," Sonny went on, ignoring what Rafael had said, "I felt like some sort of sheltered outcast. I knew I was relatively safe, and that I was _nothing_ like them. But still, pretending to be a pedophile… made me sick to my stomach. What's worse, is that after a while, those monsters, just seemed like people. I felt like I'd lost sight of who I was, and no amount of church and prayers and confessions would ever be able to help me."

"This isn't a healthy coping mechanism Carisi. You need help."

"You can't help someone who doesn't want help, councillor. I will not get better if I don't want to." Came Sonny's grave reply.

"Then I suggest you start wanting help very quickly." Barba snapped. "Because the fact of the matter is, you need to see a therapist, you need to explain to Liv what's going on, and you need to stop mutilating your body."

"What do you care? It's not like I'm hurting anybody. Besides, I'm not suicidal, and I don't typically cut very deep. It's my body and I'll do what I like with it."

"Oh really? What fun that'll be when you're jobless." Sassed Barba, irritated.

"What d'ya mean, jobless?"

"Do you really think they'll let you stay on as a detective when you're in this condition? You work special victims, nobody will trust you to be of any help when you can't even help yourself. But if you start seeing a therapist, and actively _try_ to get better, they won't lay you off."

Carisi scowled at Barba, before stalking off to his bedroom.

"Oh yeah, real mature." Barba called to him.

"Leave me alone councillor." Came Sonny's angry retort.

"I'm taking you to work tomorrow, and we're going to deal with this like mature adults." Barba's statement was met with silence.

Barba huffed and put his head in his hands. _What happened? What have I done? I most definitely could've handled that better. _Frustrated beyond belief, Barba too, decided to retire to his room.


	5. Chapter 5

The morning after the revelation of Sonny's self harm was, for lack of a better word, awkward. The air between Barba and Carisi was too tense, too thick, too stifling. The fragile acquaintanceship between the two was fractured, and unease settled into the cracks.

Barba steered Sonny into his car, getting up early just to make sure that Carisi didn't sneak out under the guise of getting cannoli from the bakery for his teammates. If they thought the tension in the house had been bad, once they'd entered the car, it increased tenfold. Neither said a word, allowing the silence to engulf them in it's thick, blanket like softness. But alongside the softness, was an undeniable weight, that settled in their chests.

When they arrived at the precinct, Barba walked next to Sonny, a little closer than usual, ensuring that the man wouldn't slip away. He lead Sonny into an interview room, ignoring the curious glances from the others in the bullpen.

"Sit."

Sonny did as he was told, knowing it would be unwise to fight Barba here and now. He faced towards a wall, pretending not to feel the pinpricks of stares aimed at his back. Barba left, closing the door behind him.

"Do not go in there." He told the detectives, a strict 'don't mess with me' glare in place, before he headed to the Lieutenant's office. He knocked on Olivia's door, and entered, closing it behind him.

"We need to talk about Carisi."

"Oh?" Olivia said. "What's wrong?"

"Your suspicions were right," Barba sighed, "he's cutting himself. I saw him do it. I couldn't get much out of him. I figured you'd be the best person for him to talk to right now."

Benson rubbed her forehead, before gesturing for Rafael to take a seat, and she took her seat behind her desk.

"There was no broken banister. I should've clued in then. But the first day I was there I saw _this_ in the bathroom," Barba showed the photo on his phone of the bloodied blade he'd seen in Carisi's bathroom to Olivia, "I should've come to you right away."

"Why didn't you?"

"I don't—I guess I didn't really want to connect the dots. Yenno, it's Carisi, he's too energetic, too annoying, and it wouldn't be right for him to be doing this to himself. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt." Barba explained, attempting to get his jumbled thoughts into a coherent message.

"It's a hard reality to face. I get it. Even if you two aren't that close, it's a jarring thing to find out about." Soothed Liv, her tone sad and wistful.

"Do you know what you're going to do about this… issue?" Barba asked, hesitantly.

"I'll need a while to figure out a plan." She replied.

Half an hour later saw Benson and Carisi tensely sitting in the confines of her office. Sonny wrung his hands anxiously, unable to quell the rising anxiety at the prospect of possibly being suspended.

"We're going to put you on a modified medical leave. This is _not_ forever. You _will_ come back, okay?"

"What do you mean by modified?" He inquired, the lump in his throat getting more and more difficult to swallow around.

"You'll take two weeks leave, and you'll be talking with a therapist every couple of days. You will have to turn in your gun, but you can keep your badge. After the initial two weeks, you'll work on files in my office. You will not go out in the field. If it seems like things are getting to be too much for you, I reserve the right to send you home, and you'll be required to have an appointment with your therapist before returning to work again." Explained Liv.

"Listen, Lieu, I mean no disrespect, but I don't need some shrink to tell me that there's something wrong with me. I already know that. But I'm not broken; and you can't fix what isn't broken. So I don't need a shrink, I don't need a break from work, and I don't need everyone walking on eggshells around me or staring at me like I'm some sort of freakshow." Carisi rambled.

"Carisi," Olivia sighed, "I know this is hard, but you're going to make it through this. I just want you to be safe, and happy, and I know that it feels like I'm punishing you, but I'm not. This is for your own good. Seeing a therapist doesn't make you weak, and nothing about this whole situation makes you weak, or unable to handle the job. Okay? I just want what's best for you. I know that this plan is what's best for you."

"Okay," he choked out, "what are you gonna tell the rest of the team?"

"That depends on how much _you_ want me to tell them. You decide how much or how little they know."

"Okay… I—I think it'd be best if you told them everything. No secrets, no lies." He decided, after a moment of contemplation.

"Alright. Carisi, you're strong. You're gonna make it through this."

Sonny gave her a wry smile, before getting up and heading out of the office. Olivia started making calls to a therapist that she trusts, and would be a good fit for Carisi.

Out in the bullpen, Sonny ignored the other detectives as he packed up his things, quickly ducking back into the Lieutenant's office to give her his gun. Then he slipped out of the precinct, and headed home. First step: Get rid of sharp objects.

Sonny safety-proofed the house, and later, when Barba came home, he swallowed his pride and asked him to go through the house, in case he missed anything. He didn't want there to be easy access to self-harm implements if he relapsed.

Other than that little exchange, the two never directly talked about what happened. If Barba stayed with Sonny a little longer than necessary, he pretended not to notice; and if there was more money for rent than usual in the white envelope, he pretended not to notice. Likewise, if Sonny took longer than the initial two weeks to get back on his feet, Barba didn't comment on it; and if sharp objects showed up on his nightstand, and Sonny couldn't look him in the eye, expression ashamed, Barba didn't comment.

Sonny worked hard to get back on his feet. He listened to his therapist, whom he had the right connection with and got along well with. He didn't do any of the suggestions half-way. He fully committed himself to getting better. He found that grounding exercises and 'realistic thinking' journaling were the most helpful coping skills for him. That's not to say he didn't relapse, he did. It was nearly inevitable, but he didn't let them take control, and he used them to learn what set him off, and figure out his triggers, so he could deal with them better next time.

Slowly but surely, Sonny got a handle on his self-harm, and was able to go back to work full-time. His teammates were understanding, and supportive. Barba saw him in a new light, and the two of them became a little closer to friends after everything went down. Olivia kept a closer eye on Carisi, but other than that, things went back to normal. The only difference, was that Sonny's secrets were out, and he was now safer, happier, and better off mentally than before. He would always have to deal with the craving to self-harm. But now he knew how to dissuade himself from acting on it, he gained a support group, and was able to live without harming himself anymore.


End file.
